Look Deep Into the Forest + Find Your Abundance
This is my first blog post to the online store, and I thought I would take a moment to share some things aligning with the online store opening, and reflect upon that weedy, sneaky little entity that is "the expectation."
First, I'd like to note that I have a entrepreneur's spirit, but being the Virgo I am, I go in headlong to a project, obsessing at every turn, and then get pulled to another project where I obsessed over details and forget other things. I'm trying to curb this and work a little harder at focusing on one task. (e.g. our online store.)
Second, my husband and I have been in dire straits with finances for the past couple of years. I won't get into detail, but I'll be honest about it. (This is appropriate to the conversation, I promise.)
Third, I've been "swelling" lately. Swelling is what I call that feeling you get when you feel a sense of clear-minded, powerful calling creeping up on you. You feel yourself getting bigger - starting to complete AND finish tasks (whether big or small) and when you complete said task, you're confident you can do another. And then before you know it, you've swelled into cleaning the whole house, doing all the grocery shopping and staying within budget, paying the bills, doing every load of laundry, feeding/bathing/bedding the kids, and you still have enough energy to read a book at the end of the day with an hour to spare, not even breaking a sweat. (Of course, I use this as a loose example. Apply it metaphorically as you see fit.)
To cut to the chase, I've been swelling lately, and I felt a strong sense that my Pagan spirituality had a lot to do with what was to come. Simultaneously, I had been meditating and worshiping my beloved Rhiannon over green and white candles, with my "Abundance" hoodoo doll (for an added boost) in the hopes that financial abundance would come my way. (I'm not a purist, necessarily. I respect all traditions.)
There were marked dates on the calendar when we thought we would be receiving our large payout we'd been waiting on for a very long time. The days came and went, with no return of finances. We overdrafted to the cap allowed on my account every pay period. We scrounged change from car cup holders and jean pockets buried deep in laundry baskets. And, I confess, I even "borrowed" (YES I'LL PAY IT BACK) a dollar in change from my 2-year-old's piggy bank. And all the time, I meditated & prayed to Rhiannon. Every night, I sat at my candles and I stared into the little bopping, dancing flame, massaging my precious little doll, and my horse head ring. Days still came and went.
Typically, at this point, I would be frustrated/angry/irrational and even downright mean. But suddenly I wasn't anymore...I woke up one morning and I was kind of just...fine. Sure, I was frustrated. But in a housefly-who-won't-go-away kind of frustration. Mild irritation, if you will.
The swelling grew into an idea for The Wicking Hour Flamery, alongside my courage and confidence to clean up our current financial situation. This is where "the expectation" part comes in...
I was sitting at my desk at work on a Tuesday. I had just finished one small project, and was about to move onto another. As I swiveled my chair around from the "Outgoing" tray back to my computer, I stopped abruptly mid-swivel.
"Oh," I said aloud quietly. "Ok, I hear you."
Rhiannon had leaned over and whispered into my mind: "I'm not bringing you that lump sum of money. I'm showing you your power to go get it for your damn self, you silly."
Ok well it wasn't those EXACT words, but in a nutshell those words. In that moment, mid-swivel, I realized that my expectations were eating me alive and when they went unfulfilled, I felt like I was being betrayed. And I was living in that deep anger of betrayal for many, many years. Do you know what that will do to a person? Stress does unimaginable things to the physical being. I won't go into detail here of my own because this post is already tl;dr. The point is, she made me see that my expectations needed to be shifted, and that putting my expectations into something nebulous, controlled by a misleading entity, would only end in suffering. So the expectation needed to shift into something manageable - me. I can manage myself. I can't manage other people.
So I managed it. I took out a full IRA distribution from one very small IRA I still had, and a partial distribution from another, just so we could pay off outstanding bills. I set up a monthly budget for us, with the next 3 pay periods detailed. In that plan, we can pull ourselves up to even and then buy the much-needed supplies to get the store off the ground.
She and I worked together to help me be financially abundant. She didn't give me a check in the mail. That's not what this is about, this life. She gave me the tools I needed to get my own check in the mail. Our Gods and Goddesses are not giving us the things we want. They're not genies in bottles waiting for us to release them when we need something. That's just opportunistic, and that's not healthy. They are reminding us that we are free will creatures, and we have to do the menial work to be abundant.
So I challenge you, blessed reader-of-this-post: when you're using your candle for meditation and prayer, look deep into the forest of yourself and ask, "What one little thing can I do for myself that might set a 'swelling' in motion to become abundant in everything I do?"
Good luck on your journey, and blessed be.